oh, my sweet lord. how clownfuckingly pathetic is this? Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado visited the Oval Bordello yesterday, and did the thing we all feared she’d do — she forked over her Nobel Peace Prize. she set it right into Preznit Fuckwit’s stubby little fingers. look at this smug bastard. he truly believes he actually won something. he has no idea the entire world is laughing at how small and needy he is. that bauble he’s grasping is no longer the Nobel Peace Prize. it’s now the Nobel Diapershittingest Buffoon Prize. the Nobel Committee has made it crystal clear that it doesn’t matter who possesses the prize — María Machado will eternally be the actual Nobel laureate, and Donny will just be a thirsty fucking loser.
but you know that stupid things like facts aren’t going to stop Donny from strutting about, and never shutting the fuck up about how he ‘won’ the prize.
it’s all so eternally embarrassing. aren’t you tired of watching Donny whine incessantly until he inevitably gets his way? he’s like a child having a meltdown in a supermarket because was told he can’t have candy — and the entire world is his beleaguered parent.
wanna peace prize! wanna peace prize! wannit! wannit! and, eventually, the parent gives in, just to have a moment of peace and quiet. fine. have your goddamned prize. now please just shut the fuck up. so, what did Machado imagine she was going to get out of the deal? did she think she was going to have Donny’s backing her quest to lead Venezuela? I hate to tell you this, María — but it looks like that shit ain’t gonna fly.  reporter: “is it still the president’s assessment that it would be very hard for Ms. Machado to lead Venezuela? because he said she lacks the respect and support in that country.” Karoline Lie-vitt: “I think the president’s assessment that you just pointed out was based on realities on the ground. it was a realistic assessment based on what the president was reading and hearing from his advisors and national security team and at this moment in time, his opinion on that matter has not changed.” current events bear this out. at the same time Machado was in the White House, CIA director John Ratcliffe was down in Venezuela, currying favor with the Maduro loyalists now running the country.
Donny doesn’t need María Corina Machado to help him steal Venezuela’s oil — and that’s all he wants. he doesn’t give a fuck that Maduro’s government is still oppressing the shit out of the Venezuelan people. María Machado can stick all her fancy-shmancy talk about human rights where the sun don’t shine. Donny isn’t listening. so what did Marîa actually get? this: swag.
she got a gift bag. enjoy your autographed ‘TRUMP 2028’ hat, María. I hope it was worth giving away your Peace Prize. Machado got played, just like everybody who thinks they’re going somehow get an even exchange out of Donny gets played. it never happens. there’s no such thing as a ‘win-win’ deal in Donnyland. someone has to come out on the losing side, and Donny’s a pathological sadist who enjoys stringing people along, only to fuck them over in the end. hey, did you know that Machado’s gifting of the Peace Prize is not without historical precedent? there actually is one instance of someone handing their prize to a foreign leader. you know who got that prize, don’t you? of course you do — because the answer is always THE FUCKING NAZIS.
you’re in great company, Donny. now, can someone please tell me — what the fuck is this?
what in the world is this demented old coot blithering about? a BOARD OF PEACE? to do what? oh, how lovely. the chaos-addicted maniac who kidnapped Maduro, is threatening to fuck Greenland’s shit, and who is setting his own personal gestapo loose to kill and maim Americans, he’s cooked up some cockamamie BOARD OF PEACE — as one does, when one is a delusional fucking lunatic. tell me about all these GREAT and PRESTIGIOUS board members — are they big and strong, with tears in their eyes? are they in the room with us right now? I can’t wait to find out who’s on this board. Joseph Goebbels? Genghis Khan? Vlad the Impaler? you know exactly where Donny’s going with this peace board — he’s going to invent his own personal peace prize and award it to himself. you can put money on it. the Nobel Diapershittingest Buffoon Prize wasn’t the only gift given to Donny yesterday. after meeting with Machado, Donny hosted the Florida Panthers, winners of the 2025 Stanley Cup. the Panthers presented him with a golden hockey stick — because of course they did. you can never go wrong flattering Donny with some gaudy gold-plated crap.
maybe Donny will let the Panthers run Venezuela now. before you watch this next clip, answer me this: why the fuck are the Florida Panthers all dressed like Dear Leader? look at them, in their stupid blue suits and red ties. I had no idea that the entire team was made up of MAGAfied cultists. no wonder Florida’s official motto is The Dumbfuck State.  “good looking people. young, beautiful people. I hate them. you hate standing here with all this, uh, this power behind you. but I got power too. it's called the United States military. I don't care.” what a supreme fucking asshole. I’ll bet Donny really does hate standing next to people who are stronger, better looking, and more accomplished than he is. actual winners, who don’t have to whine about not getting a prize. ‘I got power, it’s called the military.’ oh, do please fuck straight off. this isn’t how confident leaders talk. this is how insecure weaklings talk. this is how a runty little banty rooster whose tyrant Klansman father told him he would always be a piece-of-shit loser talks. here’s a fun thing you can do to make current events a little more tolerable: every time Donny boasts about one of his imaginary accomplishments, just add ‘in my pants’ to the end of it. I have a golden hockey stick. in my pants. I stopped eight wars. in my pants. I won the peace prize. in my pants. I won the 2020 election. in my pants. I have an army. in my pants. I have a Board of Peace. in my pants. I lowered the price of gas. in my pants. now, that last one I can believe. Donny’s pungent ass music has always been free for the taking.
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