Melanoma, the Shlockumentary
Melanoma The Movie - You will need chemotherapy after watching this malignancy.
The disgraced film-maker serial-assaulter Brett Ratner and Jeff Bezos of Amazon released the breakout shlockumentary “Melanoma” yesterday. Melanoma attended the premiere dressed head to toe in classic black shroud. She strode the black carpet, her hooves slipped into 6.5 inch stilettos, her black eyes of Mordor scanning the terrified cabinet members who were all forced to attend. Donald, sundowning hard, schlumped along 20 paces behind her mumbling, “Why must I watch this trash, no one else is?”
The film premiered at the Donald Kennedy Center on Thursday night for an invite-only, sold out, empty room. Even Melanoma didn’t bother attending for long. She told the press earlier in the day, “I already knowz vhat I looks like, and I’m not sitting next to Donal, he very stinky.”
Melanoma, best known for being an Einstein Visa whore and chain migrator, has mainly focused her efforts on trafficking children with her “Be Best. I Don’t Really Care, Do You?” initiative, but recently, started emptying the bank account of Jeff Bezos to the tune of 80 million dollars.
Earlier she had made a statement to the AP: “For first time in histories, people will witness, again, the 20 horrifying days leading up to thez inauguration, through the black holes eyes of incoming first whore lady.”
“It’s beautimous. It ezz emotional. It’s fashionable. I dress good. It ezz cinematic and I proud of the moneiez I pry out of Jeff soz he can hav rocket ship.”
The movie is playing to a record number of empty theaters around the country. Donald said, “No one has ever had a movie in so many empty theaters. Grown men have come up to me with tears in their eyes and told me, ‘No, I didn’t see it, and I’m not planning to, but only you could empty so many movie theaterst.’’
The film has inspired incredible interest by not selling a single ticket for the opening night at the busiest movie theater in the metro Jacksonville area. The theater manager said, “We are expecting to run a Disney film instead.”
During filming, the crew didn’t want to take any credit for Melanoma’s terrific performance. One of the grips said, “We just want her to get all the credit.” This is true, a whopping two-thirds of the film’s staff requesting not to be credited at the end of the film. Now that is a humble film crew!
At the Times Square megaplex that routinely packs in audiences for titles big and small, the 7.15 p.m. Friday-night showing of Melanoma has sold nine tickets as of Wednesday morning.
After seeing these numbers, and Donny is so good making up meaningless numbers, Donny exclaimed, “Wow! Nine billion tickets sold. That’s never been done before.”
The Scottish, known for haggis and their love of theater, went hog wild snapping up any ticket that didn’t have the word “Melanoma” written across it. Just 16 tickets have been sold across two cinemas for opening day screenings in Glasgow and Edinburgh as of 11 a.m. this morning.
But the reviews are pouring in.
After attending this movie, check for lumps, abnormal bleeding, prolonged cough, and unexplained weight loss. – The Center for Disease Control
I got an STD while watching. I am experiencing a painful rank discharge. - Anonymous reviewer from the Washington Post
Watching this movie is worse than watching people picnicking in their Sunday best to watch a public lynching. – Jet Magazine
Mike Johnson was quoted as saying, “I won’t be at the opening of “Melanoma”, I only watch porn on my phone.
JD Vance gave it rave reviews, “I had to change seats 3 times!!!”
Gruppenfuhrer Stevie Miller wasn’t available for a comment because he was busy masturbating in a closet full of bats.
A startlingly inept film. – The Star Gazette
One of the weakest entries in the XXX porn genre this year. – Hustler Magazine
Porn World Magazine rated it 1 Limp Dick.
“Melanoma” - If a plague of locusts were a movie
Fuhgeddaboudit – The Genovese crime family, NYC
This Crime is punishment. – Waldon Books
Turnabout is fair play. It was Donald’s turn to fall asleep. – Melanoma’s Press Secretary
Must-avoid viewing for any film enthusiast. – The Atlanta Constitution
Only for the morbidly curious serial murderer. – Jeffrey Dahmer
I hoped for a massive coronary 5 minutes in. - Leonard Maltin
I suggest a large dose of penicillin after watching this STD of documentaries. – Dr. Oz
Of all the movie theaters, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine. - Humphrey Bogart
It smelled of gin and regret. – Pete Hegseth
It succeeded in arousing intense nausea. – Pediatric Doctors of America
If constipation were a movie. – Doctors Across Borders
Utterly, completely, thoroughly and astonishingly bad. – Unknown passerby
A bottomless pit of flatulence. – Jeffery Kamen, Proctologist
The Atlanta Falcons of movies. – Arthur Blank
Me make fuck fuck, get rich. - Melanoma
Control-Alt-Delete. – Bill Gates
I was rooting for the serial killer. – Dolly Parton
Only watch while blackout drunk. – President of AA
It’s a first-date movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. – Dating Magazine
If White Privilege had a superhero. – Marvel Comics
This movie is why I think the borders of the United States of America need to be secured. – Krusty Gnome
If Delta shows this in-flight movie, they will run out of air sickness bags. – In Flight Magazine
The butt-plug of the silver screen. – Kink Magazine
Completely ho-ho-ho-horrible. – Santa Claus
Stops being fun after it starts. – Cinemax Theaters
Well, at least she didn’t eat a child. – Pope Leo XIV
Like drinking a bucket of warm piss, – Chuck Grassley
Whenever I think about getting back together with my ex, I watch this film – Divorced Mom
A Craigslist ad is offering $50 to individuals who attend screenings of “Melanoma,” but they must watch in its entirety in order to receive payment.” So far, no takers.
This has nothing to do with the cancerous, “Melanoma” movie, but I can’t leave without mentioning this:
A great new Bari Weiss hire is a CBS News medical expert who doesn’t believe in germ theory.
Among the new hires at CBS announced by Bari Weiss is a doctor who has claimed that he has reduced his biological age by 20 years with therapies including cold plunges; that cod liver oil can treat autism and that conditions like Alzheimer’s and dementia can be reversed with the kind of nutritional supplements he also sells on his online store.
Why his mommy didn’t suffocate him at birth is a mystery.
Let’s all get ready for tomorrow’s disaster
