Don't Fall for
Cheap Card Tricks
Hallmark and other
purveyors of insincere sentiments have earned tons of money by pressing
business owners to reward team members for showing up. Your people want and
deserve rewards that are grounded in reality.
BY HOWARD TULLMAN, GENERAL
MANAGING PARTNER, G2T3V AND CHICAGO HIGH TECH INVESTORS@HOWARDTULLMAN1
Many
years ago, I came to believe that the Hallmark greeting card people were among
the most flagrant and prolific creators and marketers of fake holidays, false
acknowledgments, and other useless and insincere celebrations. True, these
schemes and scenarios have been massively profitable for them over several
decades even though it's difficult to understand the appeal of the cheap
sentimentality and horrible "jokes" that are at the heart of their
offerings.
The
"occasions" that Hallmark created were ultimately designed to sell
saccharine-soaked cards, pithy and pious posters, and ephemeral sloganized
balloons to an audience that includes millions of business owners and managers.
These poor employers are shamed into participating in inauthentic gestures to
preserve peace, prosperity, and civil working relationships in their
businesses. Maybe Hallmark was just the most visible proponent of this
stupidity because it's also clear that the FTD florists, balloon sellers, and
swag merchants are all equally guilty co-conspirators.
For
me, it wasn't simply the fraudulent sentimentality that sucked, or the
awkwardness and forced informality of the gatherings, or even the rapidly
deflating detritus that hung sadly from fences for weeks afterward; it was
mainly the fact that the whole grab bag of gratuitous gestures was a costly
waste of time and energy that sent utterly artificial messages to the troops.
Like parents who tell their kids that the reason
they're never around is because they're working for the money
to buy them nice things or take them on vacation. Even the kids know that's BS.
Managers
who buy into these gimmicks do their companies a serious disservice, put
uncomfortable pressure on their peers to make similarly empty gestures, and
offend people in their organizations who prefer to recognize real achievement.
Not every administrative assistant is killing it these days and needs to be
recognized because Hallmark and other happiness hustlers say so. Not everyone
needs to get an atta-boy if they're barely getting their jobs done.
If
you've ever had to preside over one of these things, you know how the compliments
can stick in your throat and how the general eye-rolling in the audience can
make you nauseous. The smart and productive people in any company appreciate
that an honest appraisal - good or bad - is far better and more productive than
an insincere evaluation or a phony
achievement award.
Most
of these office ceremonies are about as sincere as the grief at a Mafia
funeral. They're held along with all the annual awards programs -- whether
warranted or not -- and often without regard to the actual business results.
They're reminiscent of the newly mandatory native land acknowledgments that
apparently must precede every college graduation ceremony in order to stave off
protests of one kind or another by newly minted graduates. No one knows what
these pro forma tribal references mean or recognizes the names, and clearly no
one cares to hear or learn anything of substance about the long-gone criminal
circumstances.
Foolishly,
I thought that Secretaries' Day (which now must be called Administrative
Professionals' Day), Boss Day and Sweetest Day were the heights of this crass
commercialism, but I was naive and failed to fully appreciate the inventiveness
and imagination of these marketers. There's always another excuse to buy
their crap. As the year ends, in the spirit of Eminem's "Cleanin' Out My
Closet," there are several new "traditions" that have been added
relatively recently to the list that I'd like to see consigned to the junkpile
as soon as possible.
Number
one on the list, for sure, are Gender Reveal ceremonies for expectant mothers.
I'm guessing that Kmart sells a complete kit. They feature red or blue displays
(please don't ask about the availability of other colors) on banners and
clothing. And let's not forget the fireworks, which apart from starting brush
fires, have also caused bodily injuries. Perhaps the ultimate message was sent
when some pilot in Mexico who was hired to fly a banner over the excited
crowd crashed his plane and killed himself. I'm truly sorry
for the loss of life but reminded of an old adage: "If at first you don't
succeed, skydiving is not for you."
That
pilot's premature passing brings us to the next stupid display, where groups
gather to mourn someone's death by releasing a bunch of helium balloons,
without regard to where they may land, what birds and other animals may be
injured by them, and who will retrieve and recycle the busted and deflated
balloons. These are the same people who constantly complain about pollution and
garbage on the streets, but who are eager to add to the clutter with their
aerial salute to the departed. Here again, the helium hucksters and balloon
vendors are happy to help.
Finally,
as the collision injuries and unfortunate deaths of cyclists rise in our cities
due to congestion, inattention, poor signage and aggressive riding, another
foolish memorial -- ghost bikes painted white and decked out with fake flowers
- has begun to clutter sidewalks, lampposts, and bike lanes at or near the
crash scene. These displays often also incorporate elaborate explanatory signs
guaranteed to distract passersby - in cars or on bikes - and likely to cause
further problems.
Bottom
line: you have to believe that in so many of these events -- from office
activities to outdoor memorials -- if the people actually involved were free to
speak, they would tell you to save your money, skip the show, and get on with
your lives. Perhaps there's an appropriate card with that sentiment already in
the works. Because the cards are always original and inventive - it's just the
sentiments that are fake. That's the thing about sincerity. Once you can
fake it, you've got it made.
