We Were Giving Our Kids the Wrong Advice
Success isn't the only option -- or outcome. But we've raised a generation that is relentlessly focused on a singular result yet incapable of dealing with not getting what they expected.
BY HOWARD
TULLMAN, GENERAL MANAGING PARTNER, G2T3V AND CHICAGO HIGH TECH
INVESTORS@TULLMAN
Boy, were we ever wrong. I'm sorry to
report that for years now we've been misleading our kids, as well as the young
adults who work for us, about certain attitudes, ideas and life skills we've
assumed were effective and reliable, and written, like gospel, in stone. But
decades of non-stop, self-congratulatory conferences, unending TED and TEDx
lectures, the entrepreneurial liturgy, the adulatory business press and, of
course, celebratory films, TV shows and other media have led all of us -
employers, parents and kids - woefully astray.
Or maybe it's just that the world has changed
so quickly and radically that we haven't been able to keep up because we've
been squandering what little attention we can spare with our noses collectively
stuck in our phones following social media and cheap, crooked, and performative
politics.
We need to admit that it's the next generation or two, both at home and at work, that are likely to pay a heavy price for our misplaced certainty that all tech advances are terrific, and the moral obliviousness that tech is simply an innocent and neutral tool.
We're engaged in a mindshare battle and we're
losing because none of our educational, industrial, or governmental entities is
properly equipped, philosophically prepared, or adequately incented to fight
for our kids.
Unless we as parents, managers and business
owners start taking some aggressive steps to change the valueless messaging
that floods every online channel and update the role models ceaselessly
flaunted before our children, we will lose all control of the relevant
conversations.
We'll simply be passive and impotent observers
who completely surrender our kids' futures to the omnipresent and utterly
uncontrolled cancer of algorithmic manipulation driven solely by greed and
commercial considerations.
We need to move immediately to re-enter the
conversations around three primary ideas.
(1) Self-Confidence versus
Resilience
We've told the world that the most critical
capability we need to nurture in our kids is abundant and unflinching
confidence. That talent and hard work are no substitutes for self-confidence.
It's the pervasive power of positive thinking. We set up systems so that the
kids are all winners all the time. Trophies for Tommy and Tammy.
And, if things took a little longer to develop than planned, well then you
just fake it 'til you make it.
But we weren't launching our offspring on
life's journey with a genuine grounding, some serious values, and a firm
foundation. We were building in levels of delusion, a belief system based on
shortcuts and side deals, along with eggshell fragility and emotional rigidity
that risked making millions of them wholly incapable of dealing with the
inevitable setbacks and disappointments, which are just as important to
maturity, growth and ultimate success as winning.
Instead of constantly pitching confidence, we
should have been preaching persistence, perseverance and, above all,
resilience. Getting up, getting over things, getting on with it, and getting
back into the game. In a word, G.R.I.T. - guts, resilience, initiative and
tenacity.
(2) Single-Mindedness versus
Optionality
We also taught that everything was about a
narrow and powerful focus - a single-mindedness and unstinting effort addressed
to an identified goal, which was make-or-break, and which had every bit as much
to do with your own self-worth as it did with the prospects of the business.
It's a winner-take-all world and almost any means justifies the end as long as
you win.
But we know now that fierce focus can be too
much of a good thing. Blinders, short-sightedness, ignorance of collateral
damage and secondary effects, a constant pressure to be bigger rather than
better, moving recklessly and too quickly, and taking things so personally that
you lost sight of far too many other things of equal or greater importance.
What we need to be telling the teens and the
teams today is that it's all about optionality, choices, alternative plans, and
widening the consideration sets rather than doubling down and putting all your
eggs (as well as your own self-esteem) in one basket. We can't have our kids
fold up and collapse at the first hiccup because they weren't prepared
practically and emotionally to roll with the punches and to quickly and seamlessly
move on to Plan B or C.
The best advice today is not to fall in love
with your plan, your vision or your numbers-- at least until the market and the
customers join the party and demonstrate a willingness to stick around.
Building and constantly maintaining a basketful of options, working on several
alternative approaches at the same time, having the courage and the discipline
to slow down, consider all the possible options, look carefully and continually
at the real numbers, and be willing to change directions when necessary is the
very best way to prepare for the unavoidable and inevitable failure of some of
the very best laid plans. This lets young people learn to bend effectively with
changes rather than breaking abruptly as soon as things don't go their way.
(3) D.I.Y. versus Help Wanted
In the old John Wayne world and in today's
Marvel Universe, it's always about the solitary hero - the one-man band - who
gets the job done and single-handedly saves the world or whatever. Even in the
most precarious and dire of straits, we don't show our kids is that it's smart
for the hero to ask for help. It's always a last resort rather than top of mind
and that may be great storytelling, but it's a stupid real-world strategy. And
worse yet, since our kids have never been permitted to "fail",
they're unprepared, ill-equipped, and basically unable to ask for assistance
even when they desperately need it. And don't think for a minute that it's not
the same situation in most of our businesses.
We're told that asking for help is a
hinderance and a sign of weakness and that unfortunate message is everywhere.
Sara Bareilles says she's "broken but won't ask for help" and, of
course, we see the peer stigma and parental denial and its direct impact on
growing teenage mental issues and suicides. Kids don't share their fears and
concerns today - at least, they don't tell their parents or other adults. They
don't even cry out loud - they just die. Employees see plenty, but they're
reluctant or afraid to speak up even when we ask. In
every case, the fear of embarrassment and the peer pressure issues are simply
too much to overcome.
Here again, what needs to be done is no
mystery. We tell our business teams that there are only two kinds of failures
that are unrecoverable: failing to ask for help and failing to help when asked.
We need to tell our teens the same thing. We can't help everyone, but everyone
can help someone. The best entrepreneurs know that asking for help isn't giving
up or giving in - it's refusing to give up. And frankly, if we really want to
equip our kids and our young employees with the tools to succeed, we need to
teach them to ask for help early and often and that there's no shame in the
asking because these days nobody succeeds by themselves.
It takes strength and courage to ask for help.
You need to be realistic, face the facts, and stop kidding yourself. You
need to put your ego and pride aside. You need to forget about what friends and
family will think. And you need to understand that "I need help" may
actually be the bravest words that anyone can say.
JUN 14, 2022