The Money Shouldn't Matter
If your kids ask you why you work, give it some thought. Don't fall back on pat answers.
BY HOWARD TULLMAN, GENERAL MANAGING PARTNER, G2T3V AND CHICAGO HIGH TECH INVESTORS@TULLMAN
Whether you're fully back in the office, and
even if you're planning to keep working from home, one of the most important
conversations you will have with your kids is the one about your work.
Whether they admit it or not, kids have gotten pretty comfortable hanging out
at home with their parents - spending time together on chores and challenges.
Even sitting down for family meals that were largely a thing of the past.
Or having Mom or Dad really be "present" to help them with
their school work.
As bad as things were during the pandemic, the
time we've had at home together was the most under-appreciated silver lining
which, for most of us, is soon to be a mixed memory as we get physically back
to the good old grind. But before we do, it's worth taking the time to explain
the whole deal to our kids and doing a much better job of it than we likely
have in the past. When we find ourselves explaining, excusing, and generally
trying to justify our upcoming daily absences, late nights and extended travel
to our families, it might be tempting to fall into the typical lazy excuses we
learned long ago from our parents and each other. Don't.
For lack of a better or more straightforward
explanation, we often seize upon a few particularly unfortunate turns of a
phrase. We say (in so many different ways and words) basically that:
I work to make money:
to buy you (fill in the blank); or00:0002:43
I work to make money:
to provide you with (insert here); or
I work to make money:
so we can do or go (destination please).
You get it, right? Sounds familiar doesn't it.
And just what are we telling them?
We're basically telling our kids that life's
one big transaction and that we work for money -- that it's the money that
matters. And that all the time and other sacrifices we make are to get the
money to buy things, places, and people. That the "getting" is really
the be-all and the end-all. That's too bad. Because "getting" is a
bad explanation, a dishonest excuse, and a horrible message -- in fact, probably
the worst message possible. But that message is convenient, and we all fall
into this trap from time to time. We can do better, and we need to do better
because our kids are already drowning in media messages that say - a million
times a day - it's all about the bucks and the Benjamins.
So, I have a modest suggestion for the next
time you find yourself in this particular fix. Let's try to change the
context - change the conversation - and tell our loved ones the truth (or maybe
just what we hope the truth should be) whenever we're asked about why we work
so long and hard and spend so much time without them.
What's the honest answer when the kids ask, as
you're sneaking out the door on Saturday morning to spend the day at the office
or packing for your next trip: "Hey Dad, how come you never come
home?" Or maybe: "Why is work so important all the time, don't
we come first?"
I think the best answer is that we work,
beyond the point of providing the basic necessities, for two basic reasons: (a)
to make ourselves proud and (b) to help other people. Most of us - as
white-collar and knowledge workers - no longer really work for money. It's a
luxury and a privilege that millions of essential workers can't share and
that's the sad state of our current economic affairs. We lucky folks work to be
productive, creative, and fulfilled. We work to make a real difference in our
lives and in the lives of others. And, to be sure, we work because we secure
genuine satisfaction from what we achieve with our hands, our hearts and our
minds.
There's no price tag on this stuff. Money
isn't even a good way to keep score. Does anyone really think that a rock
star's contribution is millions of times more valuable than a teacher's? We
work to accomplish things that move our lives forward, that matter in material
ways, and that we can feel honestly and sincerely good about. There's no shame
or false pride in that. There's nothing to be embarrassed to tell your kids
about. If you love what you do, let them know and pray that someday they'll
have a similar experience and privilege.
Is it foolish (or do we sound selfish) if we
admit that we work because work makes us feel good? I don't think so and
I think it's a much more constructive, effective, and appropriate answer for
everyone - kids and grownups too. Don't tell your kids you work because you
have to, or worse, that you work to buy them toys, trips or other goodies. We
work because it's important and that's what grown-ups do. Work is something to
be unashamedly proud of and to share with our kids and others. We're building
things to make the world a better place.
Contrary to the wisdom of Simon and Garfunkel
in I Am A Rock, (written by Simon)
we're not solitary stones or isolated islands who are in this thing all by
ourselves. Everything we do or don't do impacts many others -- especially
those of us who teach. So, it's just as important to understand, acknowledge
and have our kids appreciate that -- apart from the selfish motivation of
making us feel good - we all work as well for a greater good and to help others
by making their lives better and fuller as well as our own. Hard work and
commitment are how life moves forward and how the world gets better. A lot of
tiny steps by billions of people, a little bit at a time, and mountains move.
That just leaves the matter of money. What
should we say about money? To me the message is pretty simple. Money, beyond
life's necessities, is for charity and for giving back. Money is not an end in
itself. Money is not a game of running up the score. Money is not a worthwhile
goal because there's no finish line and there's always someone with more. At
best, money is an enabling and an ennobling tool to make valuable, important,
and charitable things happen.
The bottom line: work hard and be proud of the
work you do; love what you do or try to do something else; try to make a
difference in this world every day in large and small ways; and use all of your
talents, energy and resources to help others to better their lives. And lastly,
hug your kids much too much, far too often, and until they squeal.