Tell Your
Kids the Truth about Work.
You
May Work Hard for the Money, but It’s Not Really About the Benjamins.
Executive director, Ed Kaplan Family Institute for Innovation
and Tech Entrepreneurship, Illinois Institute of Technology
I’m sure one of your most fervent New Year’s resolutions which
you duly and promptly shared on social media was the annual "work less and
spend more time with the family" promise - maybe with a kicker this year
(thanks to Arianna Huffington’s incessant whining) that you’ll also get more
sleep and thereby become a far more effective and infinitely better person
overall.
Every entrepreneur (and anyone else building a business) knows
how these things go, especially today when we're all working longer and harder,
spending less time with our families and loved ones, and
feeling guilty about it. The fact that there are often good reasons for the
extra time away or because the jobs we're doing are important, not just to
ourselves, but to others as well, doesn't make that discussion any easier or
less emotional. The truth is that there's always more work, but you've only got
one family.
Very often in our familial conversations about work, we find
ourselves explaining and trying to justify our efforts and our absences,
especially to our kids. And, unfortunately, for lack of a better or more
straightforward explanation, we often seize upon a particularly unfortunate
turn of a phrase and a pretty lousy excuse. We say, in so many different
ways and words, that:
I work to make money to buy you (fill
in the blank); or
I work to make money to provide you with (insert
here); or
I work to make money so we can do or go (destination
please).
Sound familiar? Maybe it's a spouse, but most often it's our
kids. And just what are we telling them?
We're telling our kids that we work for money -- that money is
what matters-- and that money is to buy things, places, people, etc. That
"getting" is really the be-all and the end-all for our work.
And that's too bad. Because it's a lame explanation, a dishonest excuse,
and an awful message -- probably the worst message possible. This explanation
is quick and easy, and we all fall into this trap from time to time. But we can
do better and, frankly, we need to do better because our kids are already
drowning in media messages that say -- a million times a day -- that life is
all about the bucks.
So, I have a modest suggestion for the next time you find
yourself in this particular fix. Change the context -- change the
conversation -- and tell your loved ones the truth (or maybe what we hope the
truth should be) whenever we're asked about why we work. I’d suggest
spending a little time thinking about your own answer before the fat's
in the fire.
What is the truth? What's an honest answer? It starts with
being honest with yourself. When you're dragging, feeling a little sorry for
yourself, can't take another day of work (and it's only Wednesday), and you
find yourself mumbling and grumbling to yourself that "we need the
money" or "I have no choice" or "I've got bills to
pay", you're just kidding yourself just like we've all been kidding our
kids for years.
If you don't know why you're working and what you're working
for, or you can't think of a good reason to come to work, then do yourself and
everyone else a favor and find something else to do. If you’re not interested
and at least a little bit excited about what you’re doing -- most of the time --
leave it.
O.K. you say, but what is the right answer when the kids ask, as
you're sneaking out the door on Saturday morning to spend the day at the
office: "Hey Dad, how come you never come home?" Or maybe:
"Why is work so important all the time, don't we come first?"
The truth and the best answer is that we work for two basic
reasons: (A) to make ourselves proud and (B) to help other people. We don't
really work for money. We work to be productive and creative. We work to make a
difference in our lives and the lives of others. We work because we secure real
satisfaction from what we achieve with our hands, our hearts and our minds.
There's no price tag on this stuff. Money isn't even a good way
to keep score. Does anyone really think that a rock star's contribution is
millions of times more valuable than a teacher's? That's just more media
bullshit. We work to accomplish things that move our lives forward, that matter
in meaningful ways, and that we can feel honestly and sincerely good about it.
There's no shame or false pride in that. There's nothing to be
embarrassed to tell your kids about. If you love what you do, let them know and
pray that someday they'll have a similar experience and privilege.
Is it foolish, or do we sound selfish, if we admit that we work
because it makes us feel good and fulfilled? I don't think so and I think
it's a much more constructive, effective, and appropriate answer for everyone --
kids and grownups too. Don't tell your kids you work because you have to, or
worse, that you work to buy them Christmas toys or other goodies. We work
because work is important and that's what grown-ups do. Your career is something
to be unashamedly proud of and to share with your kids and others. We're
building things to make the world a better place.
And that's where Part B comes in. We're not isolated
islands and in this thing all by ourselves. Everything we do or don't do
impacts many others -- especially those of us who teach. So, it's just as
important to understand, acknowledge and have our kids appreciate that, apart
from the selfish motivation of making us feel good, we all work as well for a
greater good and to help others by making their lives better and fuller as well
as our own. Hard work and commitment is how life moves forward and how the
world gets better. A lot of tiny steps by millions of people, a little bit at a
time, and mountains move.
And that just leaves the matter of money. What should we say
about money? I hope that the message I've shared with my kids is pretty simple.
Money, beyond life's necessities, is for charity and for giving back. Money is
not an end in itself or a game of running up the score. Money is not a
worthwhile goal because there's no finish line and there's always someone with
more. At best, it's an enabling and an ennobling tool to make valuable,
important, and charitable things happen.
The bottom line: work hard and be proud of the work you do; love
what you do or do something else; try to make a difference in this world every
day in large and small ways; and use all of your talents, energy and resources
to help others to better their lives. And lastly, hug your kids much too much,
far too often, and until they squeal.
Have a Happy, Healthy, and Prosperous New Year.